Gone

Written in shadows

Written in reflections

Written in water on hot pavement

Turning to steam

Words

Love

Life

Gone

11/15/16

This one came as a complete surprise.

Chuck had his first hospitalization.   We'd had to come back for tests , checkups and what I called "look sees", where the Dr. just wants to lay eyes on you.    It was November and the weather was changing, and wet.    Chuck was in the wheelchair with me pushing him, waiting in the vestibule for the valet to bring the car.    The reflection of Chuck in the chair with me standing behind him was startling.   He was the strong one.   What am I doing pushing him of all people?

The hospitalization had come suddenly.   We were leaving for a natural mineral spa so he could soak his feet which had very large holes in them from the experimental drug.   Chuck just couldn't get up that day, couldn't move, his color was ghastly.   I will say this over and over throughout my recanting but my husband was a mountain of a man.   A giant among men.   An RN and and an EMT,.  When he said call an ambulance, I ran.  

Less than 48 hours later, he died twice, losing 4 liters of blood.   He had a strong will to stay, he had more to do.   He told me he played his mind tricks to stay.    I observed him on his last day try those tricks again.    His will was amazing.   He came back, he made it out of the hospital, he came home.    The Drs and nurses had never seen anything like this before and the room was always filled with hospital personnel just marveling at Chuck.   His personality also won everyone over, he'd ask about them, tell tale tales of his ER nursing career in a city hospital.

But here we are now, alone in a vestibule on a rainy evening in November and in the reflection.  I see my future does not have him in it for much longer.  That my rock, my mountain is going to lose to this rapacious cancer.   And those words sprang forward.